Being a young female in Nairobi is tough. I should know, I am one of them. Your life is centred on your looks, the size of your posterior, the number of young men pursuing you, the number of followers on Twitter, the number of ‘likes’ on your Instagram photos and so on and so forth. Because being a young woman is so hard, I thought I should offer my fellow women in this age bracket a few nuggets of wisdom on how to be the ultimate Nairobi Chic. The true mark of the ultimate Nairobi chic is a sizeable posterior. A big, round, firm butt is all you need to succeed in this city.Your role models should be the likes of Kim Kardashian and closer home, Vera Sidika. My advice; work towards having a big posterior. Enroll in a gym and do those squats. Take the stairs and maximise your gluteal.
Do all these, because nobody ever wrote a song about a small butt. To make sure your posterior is properly exhibited for the world to see, ensure your dress code is tight clothing.A body-hugging, sheath-like dress outlining all your curves is best. While dressing up, please, do not leave any room for imagination. It doesn’t matter if the tights are outlining your cellulite and nether regions. That’s the trend and you are a trendy young woman in Nairobi, desperate to keep up. To complete your Nairobi Chic’s diva look, throw on the weave. This should be at least 13 inches long and a colour that sharply contrasts with your skin tone. Of course, there are other accessories like acrylic nails that you must never forget. Whatever you do, ensure that you resemble the Kenyan version of Kim Kardashian; humongous posterior, scantily dressed and wavy locks.
You must appear three shades lighter than your natural black obsidian skin tone in those ‘professional’ photos. Photoshop will make your skin appear smoother and your thighs cellulite-free. Did you know that photoshop also takes a few inches off your fatty waistline? Now you know. Your professionally done photos must look completely different from the real you, so much that you are unrecognisable in person. Ensure you upload those pictures on social media, starting with Instagram, then Facebook. The idea here is to get as many comments of ‘wow, you look so beautiful’ and as many ‘likes’ as is humanly possible. People will judge you when they see those photos. But don’t worry, they are just jealous of your voluptuous figure. You are the only one with a ‘figure eight’ and you must show them how blessed you are. You were created for social media. Without social media your life has no meaning. You must therefore be on all social media platforms that matter: Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. Instagram is the place to be and I am sure you know how it works.